I feel like this isn’t something I should post, like I should be embarrassed, it’s personal and should be kept that way but I preach about the need to show our worst bits as well as our highlight reel in order to help each other and show that we all go through these shit times, so here it is… I’m not okay.
I’ve been pretty stressed out recently and it’s caused me to struggle with my emotions and mental health in a way I’ve not felt in a long time. I have then had a whole host of medical issues which has served to stress me out more and It all just seems to be piling up until one day soon I will fully lose the plot!
Pre warning here, if you’re squeamish or grossed out easily maybe go read something different.
About 4 weeks ago I woke up at 4am with the most intense pain in my left kidney, I was literally rolling around the floor in agony, I kept going to the toilet, I thought I was going to be sick… it was awful! This was a Saturday so the next day I called NHS 111 and went to the out of hours doctor. They decided I had some sort of infection and gave me 3 days of antibiotics.
3 days passed and I was still having pains, although now they were geared more towards my abdomen (again on my left so no appendix worries). I went back to my doctors and the GP thought I might have a twisted ovary so sent me to A&E. I was examined and then admitted to hospital for two days for further scans. They found nothing , which in theory should have been relieving and it was in part, but why was I still in pain if nothing was wrong? I just wanted clarification for how I was feeling. I needed an answer that would stop me stressing. I was sent home with cocodamol and antisickness tablets.
What I’ve failed to mention here is that I was also bleeding this entire time. I thought I was just having a normal period, that was slightly prolonged due to stress but the bleeding started to get extreme. On the third week I was so worried by how much I was loosing (especially considering I was still in pain) that I called my GP again. The oncall doctor spoke to me on the phone but she didn’t seem too worried and gave me an appointment for 2 days time.
That night I was up again at 4am (I’ll spare you the gruesome details) but I was in such a state, I honestly thought I was having a miscarriage or something. I got dressed, all ready to go to A&E but decided instead to call NHS 111 again, they advised that I go to my doctors surgery as soon as it opened which is what I did. I sat in my living room staring dazed at the tv from 4am till 7.30am when I could drive to the surgery. The doctor also considered that I was having a miscarriage but due to the tests I’d had at the hospital this was ruled out. She gave me some tranexamic acid to stop the bleeding and said that because I wasn’t dizzy she wasn’t too worried.
The next day however, I was so dizzy I almost fell over getting on the train, I’d also had spots in front of my eyes the night before and was now getting stabbing pains above my eye telling me that a migraine was coming! I lasted till about 4pm at work till I couldn’t take it anymore and had to go home, I went back to A&E and had blood tests done. As I tend to get anxiety about medical procedures I had a full blown attack when they tried to fit me with a cannula so I was laid on a trolley to calm down before being taken to a ward. I could hear the doctors and nurses talking and they kept saying the words pregnant which filled me with fear because if I was, it wasn’t going well, although I was still sort of reassured by all the tests I’d had previously, hearing medical professionals say it made it more realistic. When I finally got to speak to the doctor she said that they had thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy but this was not the case. To hear this was definitely off the table lifted a weight from my shoulders cause nobody had specifically told me that this definitely wasn’t happening. The doctor went on to explain that all my symptoms were likely caused by the pill I am on (cerelle), she said that it can be a side effect of prolonged use and advised that I stop taking it asap. The doctor I spoke to really reassured me about a lot of things and was so nice that I found the worry start to slip away. It may sound like I totally overreacted and shouldn’t have gone back to the doctors so much but when this is happening to your body, it’s scary and any rational thinking you may usually adopt kind of goes out the window.
I’ve now been off the pill for about 7 days and the bleeding has just stopped (4weeks in total) I feel mentally, physically and emotionally drained! I keep breaking down or feeling like I’m going to burst into tears. I’m getting angry real quick which resulted in me screaming at a potato on Monday. I feel like a shell of myself, like I’m loosing the plot and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’m not taking care of myself properly, I just want to be in bed all the time and It’s horrible! I want to snap out of it but I feel so exhausted! Yesterday I had more migraine signals and felt utterly miserable. I am feeling a little more positive now but I’m so bipolar at the moment who knows what will happen.
I also feel silly, I feel like I’ve wasted everyone’s time with my “women’s issues”, I’ve had so much time off work, I’ve had so many NHS appointments. I feel guilty for taking up their time and missing out on work but that’s ridiculous! Nobody knows your body better than you and you know when you’re not okay! It’s a terrifying position to be in for all of these things to be happening to you and you having no idea why or whether they’re really bad or not!
Women are made to feel so guilty and ashamed of what happens with their bodies and not only is it not fair, it’s not healthy! We aren’t properly informed of what goes on, nor are we really told about all the possible side effects of the drugs that are thrust upon us at such a young age. I’ve been taking a contraceptive pill of some kind for 10 years and my body has clearly decided it’s had enough! I’ve been pumping extra hormones round my body for almost half my life. No wonder I’m having a complete meltdown!
I’m currently waiting for a gynaecology appointment to discuss further options so I will keep you updated on how I get on. I’m heading towards the coil and would love to hear if any of you have had experience with the hormonal/non-hormonal one or can point me to any blogs about other people’s experiences!
I’ve decided to share this not for attention or for sympathy but because I’ve been trying to find some blogs about what’s happening to me and I couldn’t really find anything so I’m hoping this may help someone else in the future. If you have any questions I’d be happy to answer them, you can leave a comment or drop me a message on any of my social media/email.
I can’t say I’ll have any answers but you can have comfort in the fact that you’re not alone!
I also want to say a massive thank you to the NHS staff that have been helping me, be that doctors I’ve seen, nurses who looked after me in hospital or the NHS111 staff on the phone at 4am who were just so lovely! They really are some of the most hard working under appreciated people and I take my hat off to them all. You guys are doing an amazing job!
Peace and love xoxo
*quick note that I wrote this yesterday and I think just writing it all down has helped me quite a lot. Writing for me is a bit like therapy. I’m starting to feel a little better and hope that it continues that way. Still being threatened with a migraine and having random pains but fingers crossed this starts to ease off.